The Writings and Art of Lentrot

Born: 1973
Current Residence: Sweden

10/21/99: Hi! Just thought I'd better introduce myself. I'm a 26 year old male bisexual from Sweden. Or at least I think I am. Bisexual that is. I have just discovered that guys actually turn me on almost as much as women. I used to think that homosexuals were "born that way" and that upbringing, culture, choice etc had nothing to do with it. The main reason for this was that I couldn't or didn't want to accept the alternative, which to me were that people would become homosexual because of the way they were brought up (dominant mother, absent father and so on). In fact, the idea that choice could have anything to do with it never even entered my mind. As a kid I was always mainly attracted to girls, but I also had this feeling that if I tried (or maybe wanted to) I could or might be attracted to boys as well. At first this thought kind of scared me so I avoided thinking about guys in that way and almost became homophobic for a while. But then I discovered marxism and I became a socialist. Quite soon I realised that homophobia and marxism don't mix (at least not if the marxism is an anti-stalinist kind, which "my" marxism is). So then I became very pro-homosexuality. Even wishing that I could be homosexual, following the argument that as a socialist you should try and be as much like the oppressed as possible and since I'm a middle-class white male the only oppressed group I could naturally belong to would be the homosexual. I soon realised that this was a bit silly, not to mention kind of insulting towards those who really are homosexual, and that you don't have to be oppressed in order to fight for and with the oppressed. And also I was really attracted to women and had fallen in love with women on several occasions (this was when I was 17 or 18). So for a long time I considered myself more or less heterosexual (I was and still am of the opinion that I shouldn't rule out any possibilities when it comes to who I could fall in love with) and I also more or less believed that homosexuality was genetical or something like that. But while I still believed that I was just as convinced that male and female behaviour, thinking, feeling and so on was all just a result of socialisation (upbringing, culture etc) in our capitalist society and that socialism would and should get rid of all gender roles. This view of gender roles (and human behaviour in general) would later help me change my opinion on homosexuality as well. Even though I had decided that I was heterosexual I was still very interested in homosexuality, homosexual culture and homosexuals in general and would read everything that I could find about any of it. But it wasn't until maybe two or three years ago that I started to question the "born that way" theory. I don't remember exactly why but I think it had partly to do with reading about Queer studies in my sociology class and finding the ideas and theories around being queer very interesting and appealing to me. I gradually changed from thinking that you are born that way to thinking that it is a social construction (even if biology might have something to do with it on some minor level). I also started to have homo-erotic dreams and for a while I was absolutely convinced that I was about to fall in love with a guy who I had only met a couple of times and didn't know very well at all, but I didn't think or didn't want to think that it meant anything (I decided that it was just a result of being so unsuccessful with women that men started to look like a more successful option just by not being women). But then one evening, as I was lying in bed reading and listening to music it occurred to me, even though I believe that there is nothing wrong with being attracted to people of your own sex or even acting upon that attraction I have always avoided thinking about men in a sexual, erotic or even romantic way and almost been afraid whenever I have felt anything even resembling a sexual attraction to a guy. I realised that I couldn't continue to avoid the possibility that I might actually be attracted to men. So I started to have a homoerotic fantasy involving men only right there and then just to see if it would get me aroused, and it did. I'm gonna spare you the details but let's just say that I no longer doubt that I'm sexually attracted to men (as well as women, that hasn't changed, yet). And now I know why I have always liked Michael J Fox so much.

I'm not sure whether it was a choice to become bisexual or not. It was definitely a choice to open myself up to the possibility and actively trying to find out whether I really was attracted to men. But I think I would have been attracted to men on some level anyway, but without being aware of it or accepting it fully. I guess I might have made some unconscious choice early in my life that I don't and can't remember but which ultimately led me to become bisexual, I don't know. What I do know, or at least think I know, is that you become bi/homo/hetero, you're not born that way. Maybe it's a combination of choice and social construction as well as some kind of biological factor(but not in a deterministic or reductionist way), that actually seems like the most probable when I think about it.

I still haven't come out to anybody except my best friend, who is a revolutionary marxist (like me) and therefore don't care what sexuality I or anybody else has, and I don't really know how or when I will. You see, my mother doesn't believe that homosexuals are born that way. She believes that homosexuals are either heterosexuals who are just confused about their sexuality or that if you really are homosexual that is a result of bad or incorrect upbringing (more or less). So if I tell her that I'm bisexual she will either tell me I'm just confused and that I will/should get over it or she will blame herself and think it's her fault that I've become bisexual. Also the fact that I haven't really had any homosexual experiences yet (at least not any involving other people in real life, fantasising and drooling over picture of cute guys I've done a lot) will make it even easier for her to just dismiss it as a phase or temporary confusion. I think I will wait with telling her until I actually have a boyfriend (if that ever happens), it's just easier that way. I might tell my brother next time I see him but I don't know, I have a feeling that even though he won't mind he won't really understand. The same goes for my father. As for the rest of the world it depends on whether they want/need to know. I guess that my first visit to a gay club (hopefully this weekend) will be sort of revealing, at least to those who will be there and sees me (even if they probably won't know who I am).

Wow, that was long. I don't know if I will be contributing this much in the future, but you can always hope, or not as the case may be:) A lot was lost or forgot in the process of writing this so if you have any questions I will be happy to expand and explain myself.

10/26/99: Sometimes when I go out I find myself being more interested in the guys than in the girls, especially if everybody around me is only interested in the girls. It's like the more heterosexual everybody else is the more homosexual I want to be, unfortunately I'm usually the only one who reacts this way so there's no point in trying to hit on any of the guys that I see/like. I once tried to get a male friend of mine to slow-dance with me at a disco but even though he claimed to be bisexual at the time (he would later change back to heterosexual, claiming that he had been young and stupid) he refused on the grounds that the place was too heterosexual (everybody else on the dance floor was dancing with somebody of the opposite sex).

. . . I still haven't had any sexual experience with either gender so my sexual unaccomplishment is probably even beyonder absurd than yours is. I have kissed members of both sexes, but it was in more of a friendly than sexual way, like the kind of kisses you would get from your mother when you were little (if you got any that is).

. . . With my luck it could be absolutely possible that nobody [at a gay club] would even notice that I was there. Especially since I don't know anybody who I know for sure would be there. Although I do know a couple of homo or bisexual people who might be there in which case it would definitely be a lot more than just sort of revealing. But then again, maybe not, it actually does happen that heterosexuals go to gay clubs and they could think I'm one of those. I don't know, the main problem is that I don't know if I will meet anybody and I'm not very good at making contact with people I don't know and I'm afraid that I will just stand alone in a corner and look stupid. But that's just me, I guess I will have to try and overcome it. Unfortunately I didn't get a chance to do it this weekend because I ran out of money on friday and I won't get any more money until next week. And the club is only open every other sunday so it will be two weeks before I can go there again, it's also the only club in town (not all towns in Sweden are this bad but most are worse). There is a gay pub though which is open every tuesday and I might go there tonight, but I won't promise anything. It would be kind of fun to meet Michael J. Fox though:)

4/9/01: As I mentioned at the wonderful chatroom party on saturday I recently got my first-tongue kiss. This event, the kiss not the chat, reminded me of one of the reasons why I decided to give bisexuality a try. As a guy it is very hard to get anywhere in the straight world if you don't like or have the guts to make the first move. I have been to lots of straight bars, at none of these bars have I been approached by any kind of female who I didn't know from before. I have been to many parties and talked to many girls but never has any of them even tried to kiss me, at least not with their tongue out. The third time I go to a gay bar/club a guy comes up to me and starts talking to me, 30 minutes later he sticks his tongue down my throat and I have done nothing to initiate this behaviour, apart from smiling and looking into his eyes when I talk to him, but I've done that with women and never got that kind of response. So in other words, if you are a shy guy who is not very good at making the first move with people becoming queer is a very good idea, it will enhance you chances to get somebody considerably. Why? Because in our present society most women will wait for the guy to make the first move while most guys are the ones who make the first move. Most gay men are just like straight men in this respect, they don't mind making the first move. This is also true for many lesbian women who also don't mind making the first move, but unfortunately that doesn't help us men. When I was straight I used to say that I wished I was gay because then I would have a bigger chance to get love/sex/kissed/etc since most men are more active when it comes to these things than women. And now I'm bisexual and I have already been tongue-kissed by a guy. I should add that I was straight and went to straight bars and parties for at least 10 years before I became bisexual. I have been bisexual for almost 2 years but didn't go to gay bars on a regular basis until this year. You do the math. Of course one problem that still remains is that because I don't make the first move I have no or very little choice in who I get to kiss, the guy who gave me the tongue was not a guy I would have kissed if I had been free to choose anybody in that bar, not that he was that bad but he wasn't exactly my type. This is not a huge problem though, if I'm interested in a guy I can always look at him and smile until he gets the hint and comes over, hopefully. This would usually not have worked with a woman, at least not for me, I think you have to be a really cute or famous guy in order to get a woman to make the first move by staring at her and smiling, at least in most cases. Which brings me to my second problem, as a bisexual I would like to get to kiss (among other things) girls as well as boys, but because I'm so bad at making the first move and women seldom make the first move (at least with me) I run the risk of never getting to be with a woman. If you wonder, the reason why I'm so bad at making the first move is a combination of shyness and fear of rejection (and probably insecurity, thinking that nobody could possibly be interested in me). I might add that my shyness and fear of rejection is bigger around women, which is another reason why it probably will be easier for me to get a guy than it will to get a woman. So, did I have a point with all this? Just to say that being shy, afraid of rejection and bad at making the first move was some of the things that made me decide to become queer/bisexual. They weren't the most important ones but they definitely played a part. Liking the idea of liking guys and not seeing why I shouldn't if I could/can was probably the most important reasons why I decided to be queer.



Back to QueerByChoice Member Profiles
Add or Change Your QueerByChoice Member Profile
Back to the QueerByChoice.com Homepage

Quotes from list members are © 1999-2009 by their authors.
The rest of the site is © 1999-2009 by Gayle Madwin. All rights reserved.